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Thursday, 19 April 2012

I am normally against posting song lyrics, in order to exhibit emotions

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you sayjavascript: void(0);
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know...

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

I used to know
That I used to know

Tuesday, 07 February 2012

Drowning

darkling drowing
sorrow filling
I hit the bottom of my existence.
Lying softly,
thinking quickly
I examine the hole I fell in.
Only here,
the view so chilling
I realize my grand mistake
only at the bottom
one can tell
how to make the future great.

Though I did not hit rock bottom yesterday, I definitely experience a low. Today I am focusing on changing myself into who I dream to be one step at a time.

Monday, 06 February 2012

Failed, attempt 2

So here I am six months later, 21 and no closer to my goal. I finally started dieting better, my ass as kindly shrunk to size 8. Size 8 is not fat but on my vertically challenged self, I still look heavy.
The truth is I am tired of feeling like I look ugly. The reason its so frustrating is believe it or not I was a model at one point. During that time, everyone pointed out how pretty I was. I felt it.
Now, people see old pictures of me and they basically say: What happened?
There is nothing more terrible than hearing that.
Former model turned fat girl in glasses.
Here goes to attempting to change.
At least I go one thing right, my skin is finally in order. Its clear now.
I am finally fixing my hair again, its lovely and straight.
Next order of business: contacts for glasses.
Lose 5 to 10 pounds.
Here goes nothing....
The worst part is I left all of that behind in order to focus on my education, but hopefully I can do both.

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

I am tired of being body consious

I am insecure and depressed about it. The sad thing is I sit in front of the TV downing cake while thinking about how horrible I look and wallowing in self pity. Well fuck, no wonder my body is terrible.
One can spend all day being angry at celebrities for their beauty or in my case, they're in shape bodies. The truth is they work hard for it. Sacrificing time and money to work towards their image
Even now as I bitch to the world about what a sorry state I am, I am munching on a nice vanilla cake with cute pink icing, provided by a proud grandmother in celebration of her new baby granddaughter, at the office in which I am interning. My size 10 ass jiggling in pleasure as its girth is slowly enlarging each bite I consume of this pink frosted sweet. On most girls, I personally wouldn't call size 10 fat but on those who are vertically challenged such as myself (5'3" and lower). Size ten is quite voluptuous, cottage cheese thighs at all. My slightly unclassy belly button piercing poking out in the shape of unseemly bulb in the middle of my rotund middle.
Now before you assume my goal is to become America's Next Top Model or at least a figure to imitate that. I say No! That is not my goal. I have no intention to lose a ton of a weight only to be broken in half like a twig by one misplaced hug. No, I want to be strong and fit, putting the care into my body it deserves. Screw being a beauty Queen, I rather in the future be the eccentric grandmother who is still bouncing along in her 80s and her children are still trying to figure out where all her energy comes from. Who her own son is chasing after because he can't keep up with her vitality.
So I guess a little cake can't hurt today, as long as I walk three miles tonight.

Saturday, 11 June 2011

I am a cliche

I am a cliche, because I am scared of people. I hate my body. Sometimoes it feels like I have no friends.
Though I do have three friends chelsea my college roommate, katy a old friend from fifth grade and last but not least Jon. He is my current college boyfriend.
For many people, Jon and I are opposites. I guess we are physically, he is 6'4" and I am 5'2". Also hes a northerner and I am a southerner. He has long black curly hair, I have shorter light brown straight hair. He has tattoos, gauges and well I am not quite sure his style. I have 7 piercings but no one really notices them cause not one is facial. I mostly wear girl next door type clothing, plain understated vaguely preppy but not not really. Depending on ones particular view (from the metal, scene, emo, or punk types) they are like what's he doing with her. For the preppy types, its like whats she doing with him.
I am feeling particuarly melancholy today I had texted a bunch of people I used to hang out with, only one replied to say she couldn't the rest didn't bother